lifevolutionary: Elizabeth Burke (Memories)
[personal profile] lifevolutionary
Rodney telling Jennifer he loves her, while she's videoing him, day 6 of his illness.

There are so many good explanations out there and quite a few that I support whole heartedly but something was still bugging me and I think I've figured out what.

I think Rodney's like me, he doesn't really understand love, he compartmentalises it and rationalises it.

I get the feeling he's never really been in love before or, if he has, he hasn't noticed and labeled it as such (like with John). It means he doesn't have a baseline, has nothing to compare his feelings to to figure out if they're real.

And that means that when a pretty, blond woman flirts with him, he assumes that he wants her and if she happens to be a friend who he likes and respects, he assumes that he loves her, because that's neat and logical and fits into the parameters for relationships that have been drummed into him since he was born.

He may not acknowledge or consciously follow social protocol but trust me, it's a hard default setting to shake off.

When he started feeling himself deteriorate, started forgetting, it was that assumption of love that he told Keller about, he believes he loves her and tells her so but he believes it because he thinks he should love her, rather than because he does.

And sure, he could actually love her, but when he said it? There was no emotion in his voice, none of the fondness there was when he was trying to say goodbye to John, just embarrassment and he moved on as soon as possible, not expecting a reaction from the woman he'd just declared love for and I think, looking at his expression, not wanting one.

He didn't want anything to come from his declaration, he just wanted her to know in case he died.

It took me a while to realise why that scene didn't piss me off as much as I thought it would but I finally figured it out. It's because he reminds me so much of me in that scene, with my screwed up emotions and commitment issues. I know how I think and how bad I am at actually feeling and how I convince myself it's love when it's not.

It may just be me projecting but I don't think I've ever seen my issues playing across someone else's face quite so vividly and if I'm right, then what he says is just logic, whereas what he does is love.


lifevolutionary: Elizabeth Burke (Default)

November 2008

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